*theme song plays*
Jon: Answering life's harder questions in just three simple steps! This is "Three Steps to Success."
Hello, and welcome to another episode of "Three Steps to Success." I'm your host, Riley McIlwain. And today's episode? Three steps on how to make a baby.
Girl: Wow! I never knew how much fun I could have with a YouTube celebrity!
Riley: (in overly sensual tone throughout) Yeah, baby, I had a lot of fun tonight. You wanna go back inside and watch "Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country"?
Absolutely!
Step #1: Find a suitable mate.
Riley: Man, I really love "Star Trek." The original series just happens to be one of my favorites.
Yeah, the way Captain Kirk uses his warp drive to get out of that ion storm really made me hot!
I definitely think I need to take you upstairs to my ship, so I can beam that sexy body of yours on my erection!
Make it so!
Step #2: Lure them into the bedroom. Then, do what I like to say- preheat the oven before you stick in the bun!
Baby, that was the best sex I've ever had!
Step #3: Evaluate her. Is she hot? Is her mom hot? You know what? Screw it all! Throw it all out the window! Just go in there, raw dog, and plant that man seed of yours right into her vagina garden!
Riley! Come on, you've got a diaper to change!
*trumpet fanfare for "success"*
There you have it! Three simple steps on how to make a baby. I'm your host, Riley McIlwain, and we'll see you next week.
*end credits play*
Girl: Absolutely!
Jon: (laughs) Creepy bastard!
